When I was young, my Mom told me that, as a parent, you can only be as happy as your most miserable child. Of course, I didn't really understand this until I had kids. Now that I'm a mother, I understand what she meant. I can't be happy if one of my children is sad...and their sadness is magnified within me.
Earlier today, I picked up RJ's iPad and noticed that he had a message waiting for him from Max, his friend and classmate. I opened up his messages to see when Max had texted and if RJ texted often. I was not prepared for what I saw.
Yes, RJ messaged people. Not exactly "often," but enough and somewhat recently. One of the more recent message was a picture he sent to Day-Day.
My little boy has a beautiful heart. He genuinely cares for the health and well-being of pretty much everyone around him. He worries about his grandparents...he asks about them regularly. When my Mom had her knee replaced, he asked for her every day until he could see her for himself. He is genuinely concerned about those around him. When he doesn't understand something, he often internalizes his confusion until it comes out full force. For the past several weeks, he has shied away from any talk of Day-Day. He has focused instead on Messier and the need our family has for a kitten.
So when I realized that he was messaging his Day-Day, my heart shattered for him. RJ is not big on the written word - he instead expresses himself through art. Through a series of messages, my little guy clearly communicated his very broken heart.
I am so sad for him. I am sad for all of us - but knowing what much be in his head and his heart breaks mine. I can't heal this pain. I can't fix this loss. My sweet little boy gave his all to Dave - they were very close, and he is so missing the man who taught him how to stand up to pee...and so much more.
You can only be as happy as your most miserable child - so for as much as I hurt for me, I hurt so much more for my babies. I can't make this better for them - no matter how hard I try.