I’m sitting on my bed, typing, and just watching you sleep.
I could watch you sleep forever. You are a little girl that is always on the go
– never still – except in these nighttime peaceful moments. I selfishly invited
you to sleep in my bed tonight. I know that it is your preferred place to
slumber, but tonight is not about your preferences. Tonight is about me having
one last night with my baby before she officially becomes a big girl.
Tomorrow, you start school.
How did we get here? Where did our time together go? It
feels as though just a few minutes have passed since we welcomed you into our
world. Baby girl, I didn’t know how much you would change my life for the
better.
From the moment I learned of your existence, my world was a
better place. You were an Angel, a gift from God at a time when I needed joy
the most. Carrying you gave me strength. Your first cries were literally music
to my ears – those tiny, baby wails were the most beautiful sounds that I had
ever heard. I asked aloud if that was actually your cry.
Here we are, a few heartbeats later, and my beautiful baby
with the amazing cry is about to be a big girl…experiencing something without
me. Angelina, I am not ready for this. I am not ready for your baby phase to be
over. I have stood by and tolerated all of your milestones – weaning off of
nursing, sleeping through the night, learning to walk, finding your voice,
leaving your crib and more. I have tried to not panic as you learned to assert
yourself and express your opinion. In truth – I have enjoyed each and every
stage of your growing even more than the last. But this? This, my little
girlfriend, is intolerable.
For whatever reason, I just feel like my heart is breaking.
Tomorrow I will drive you up to a school – a beautiful Montessori school – and I
will entrust my sweet, funny, charming girl to a group of strangers. Will they
just adore you? Everyone does. Will they laugh and be entertained by you? I
hope so. You bring so much joy to my life, I can only hope you bring joy to
them as well.
I accepted the challenge of motherhood long before you came
into my world. I embraced it, knowing that it was my responsibility to teach
you, your brother and your sister how to become wonderful, fully-functioning
and responsible adults someday. I need to teach you how to be a good, kind
person. A loving soul. A good friend. I was completely unprepared for just how
much you would teach me.
You have taught me to truly appreciate the little things…and be genuinely overjoyed at as many turns as possible. I love watching you open presents. You never seem concerned about what is actually in the box – but you over over-the-moon that someone took the time to give you the box. I have learned that everything in this life can be a beautiful song. Even things that you aren’t so happy about. I have learned the value of being comfortable with alone time. I’ve never been good at being alone. From a very early age, you have been able to entertain yourself happily for hours. Being so comfortable with yourself gives you a whole new appreciation for your friends. You don’t need them. You want them.
Tomorrow? Tomorrow you will walk into school, an excited, ready-to-learn big girl who is about to take on her world and win. Tonight? Tonight you are my baby. And I love you with all of my heart.
