Driven to Distraction

Driven to Distraction
June 12, 2008

It is the wee small hours of the morning – and my mind is working overtime and won’t let me fall asleep. I miss Rosie. She’s only about 30 feet away from me, but sometimes that 30 feet is just too far. I just can’t describe it – it’s an actual tightness in my chest. Why do I have this tightness? Because she was asleep when I got in from class.

Rosie drives me to distraction. It is hard to get anything done throughout my day, because if I am not with her, there is always somewhere I would rather be.

I wish I had finished grad school before she was born. I hate not being here when she goes to bed. I find myself almost wishing that she wakes up in the middle of the night so that I can bring her into bed with us and get hugs and kisses. This journey to a Master’s should be complete in just under two years, but I could cry over the moments that I might miss between 6-9pm two nights each week for the next 104 weeks.

I wish I didn't have to work. I enjoy what I do and get a sense of completion and fulfillment from my work – but I wish I could just spend all day enjoying her.

I wish I realized how precious her baby stages were – even the annoying ones. Last summer, she would only nap if I would lay down with her and let her sleep in my arms. Now – she needs to nap in her crib (soon to be a bed), alone – without me. I love watching her sleep in my arms - and I miss the days of our afternoon naps. At the time, there seemed to be so many things to do. I didn’t see the gift in something as common as a nap.

I turn 29 today. A few people have asked me if I am freaking out or struggling with the idea of being 29. No – not really. Every day I get to pretend I’m a kid and roll around on the floor or tap dance to the closing credits to “Bert & Ernie’s Wordplay.” Rosie definitely keeps me young. On my 30th birthday, I will have two children, two and a half year old and an eight-month old. (Approximately) Now – that freaks me out!

My gift to myself today will be that I focus on spending time with Rosie as much as possible. Yes – I wish I was done with school already. Yes – I wish I could devote all my time to her – especially since this time with just her is dwindling.